The Am7

I had been playing (read: beginner level / self-study) the ukulele for quite some time now. I used to try to play the guitar back when I was younger but I can’t move on from one song to another. Medj frustrating. With ukulele, it’s easier, since I only have four strings as compared to six; add the fact that it’s more compact. It has been my frustration for so long to learn a musical instrument that I can sing songs with or even compose songs with. That’s my goal and we are gonna brute force our way to that goal! Hahahahajk (or not). 

I was playing uke the whole weekend to relieve myself from stress. And I just found out my favorite chord — the Am7:

My friend reacted to it and she said she feels like an Am7. First thing that popped to my mind was it because she feels empty? For some weird reason, I equated feeling empty to feeling worthless. But I don’t want to think of it that way so I told her that maybe because she feels she’s my favorite. Then, we move on to discussing all the mundane things that we usually do and later on just went back to my favorite ukulele chord where she confirmed that she feels empty just like it.

To be honest, all of us could feel like an Am7 sometimes. It could be due to a number of things that we base our self-worth on. We could stuff our souls with everything that we think could suffice that emptiness but that void will grow louder each day and no amount of fame, people, or material possession can fill that hole. Hence, we will go on with life — calm on the surface but hitting hard rocks at the bottom. We will try to keep fighting — bruises, scars, and all. We will try but we can only go so far. And this is where Depression makes its name known and embedded in our consciousness. We are in a constant battle.

These past few weeks, it has been evident that the Lord has been working on my weakest character and that is having an overly proud and self-absorbed heart — seeking only what’s comfortable for itself and being too demanding of how others should treat me. I tried to let everything on the surface seems perfectly fine but my heart was in a total wreckage. I was so miserable. Depressed. Empty. And deeply sad. Those were dark days that I brought upon myself because I refuse to be humble, I refuse to listen, I refuse to forgive.

When our horizontal relationship (our relationship with the people around us) and our vertical relationship (our relationship with God) are not aligned, darkness could engulf us. We are relational beings. Our relationship with God is of high importance and our relationship with people never comes too far. It’s only the Lord that could fill that hole in our hearts. And the Lord wanted us to love our neighbors so badly that we could not hate them and love Him at the same time. So when the two do not align, it would be harder for us to live in a peaceful manner. That’s what I tortured myself from.

I felt that I don’t deserve even an inch of grace from the Lord. Because out of all the people in the world, I am hurting my own family. Because of what? My pride. I haven’t been the best of myself lately because of all these. And although too undeserving, I thank the Lord that He gives infinite chances to learn. It was very hard to stay humble and admit the wrong that I’ve done and to forgive. But by God’s grace, if we take a little leap of faith, He will make a way.

I took the leap yesterday and apologized for the things I’ve done and the hurt I’ve caused — first to God, to myself, and to the people I love. And right there and then, I was forgiven. I was accepted again. Just imagine the shortcut I could’ve made to this agony if only I had just brought down my pride from the very beginning. Hay, my Lord, how can You keep a total wreck like me into Your ship? I want to take account of this narrative so it could help me remember abiding in the Lord so I could be a better human soul especially to my family. I got a number of things to improve on and with the Lord, I really hope my actions could transform and speak volumes.

I could still feel like an Am7 on some days just like how my friend felt. As a reminder, though, Am7 is a ukulele chord. A. UKULELE. CHORD. It is a chord that is used in playing music. It looks empty, yes, but that emptiness isn’t senseless. The emptiness was an instrument to a song. It takes part in creating a melody. It reminds me of how when we place our emptiness in the hands of our Maker, He could make something out of it. That He could use our emptiness as an instrument. That He could create beautiful things out of our broken strings.

Wreckage isn’t final. There’s a Savior who can make our cracks beautiful. Hang in there, luv, we will all grow stronger in the broken places if we let our good Lord mold our crooked hearts into something golden. Take your leap, He will catch you. You are a part of His delicate melody.

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Rare and Beautiful

I don’t know if seeing a moon at a time that the sun is setting is a rare occurence. I don’t know if seeing a moon at a time that the sun is setting at the train station where I’m about to meet you is even a rarer chance. Good things come into three’s, they say; the moon is on my right, the sunset is on my left, and I was just beside you, taking in all the wonder you didn’t even notice. We were in the middle of something rare. We were in the middle of something beautiful. We were in the middle of something that won’t last long.

Hope Doesn’t Hurt

I was supposed to write something for Valentines day last Thursday and it was supposed to revolve around accepting the fact lie that there’s no one out there to wait for and I will never experience love from a significant someone. In short, I gave up on this whole love thing. And my friends would laugh at me because I haven’t even started anything yet and I’m already giving up. Hahaha, fine.

Being single since birth (this year I’m turning 27) doesn’t mean that I haven’t loved an actual person. I actually did. Twice. And both were never meant for me. I got hurt. The recent one was when I felt I hurt the most because I actually thought that there’s a mustard seed chance for us. But yup, we didn’t happen either. I always tell myself that maybe the feelings weren’t mutual, that maybe I got carried away with my emotions, that maybe it was just me all along. I battle with the thoughts of “if it’s not the same then why did he do ‘this’ and ‘that’.” And most of the time, it drives me crazy because my heart felt that there was something but then I wasn’t always sure. It wasn’t always clear.

One of my friends is going through a breakup and I sometimes volunteer that I know what they’re going through. I felt that the pain of an almost-love is tantamount to that of a broken love. I was so convinced by this and actually thought that maybe my pain was more painful because at the back of my head, I think, at least in a broken love, you felt that the love got reciprocated and you were sure of it at that time.

So I asked her opinion on it and she told me the story of Naruto and Sasuke (yes to animé reference lol). Both of their parents died — Naruto’s when he was born and Sasuke’s when he was a child. She told me, Sasuke experienced his parents, Naruto didn’t. Then she asked me what do I think is more painful. I understood this logic because my father died when I was 1 year old and I never got to experience him; I only have what if’s and what could have been’s. The death of my father was not deeply painful for me as opposed to those who actually got to be with their dads. Although pain was never meant to be discounted and we feel pain in different sorts of levels, experiencing something and losing it could hurt much more because it was with you for a while. You were able to keep it.

My friend told me, “Maybe, we’re looking at the wrong picture? Maybe, we should be thankful instead?” She was the one on a breakup and she’s telling me to be thankful hahaha while I was the one getting very depressed because I lost an almost-love aka I didn’t get what I wanted to the point that I’m giving up already. Hay, I thank God for friends.

I have constantly heard that we should never judge God based on our circumstances. I know that in my heart. But I wanted to guard myself from hope because I’m afraid that it won’t be answered and I will feel that I wasted time and waited for nothing. Then I realize, maybe I wasn’t really hoping. When someone comes and I like that person, I expect that he would be that person for me. I hide my expectations in the word hope. I told the Lord once that He makes it clear when the right person comes. But sometimes even when it’s not clear, I press on. And so, I get hurt. Hope, when it’s anchored in the promises of the Lord, will always be a good encouragement. Hope doesn’t hurt when our hope is in the Lord.

For a while of thinking that love is for other people and not for me was the most foolish thing to do. I’m glad I was foolish, though. It was the most human thing. I’m glad that the Lord brings people to talk me through it (even though they don’t have any idea). I’m glad that the promises of the Lord holds true because even when this whole world don’t think so, the Lord thought that we are meant to be loved — me and you. That our ability to love again and again comes from the understanding of the love we felt because of Christ.

Hustle while we wait. Love will come at the right time. Love will be easy. Love will be clear. Love will be sure.

Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to. And love leaves exactly when love must. When love arrives say, “Welcome, make yourself comfortable.” If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper, “Thank you for stopping by.” —Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye

Until then, hold on to that Hope, luv. You will be alright.

Sentimental Creatures

They said you’ll come. They said you’ll be bold and beautiful. They said they’ll wait for you. I bet we are all looking up now — some standing in the same spot where you found us the last time or some may have chosen to get a little closer to you this time. And like sentimental creatures, we’ll try to capture even just a tiny dot of you, flooding walls of memories bragging how we belong to those who experienced a moment of marvel. For a romantic, you could easily be a metaphor. Thank you for dropping by 🌑🌕

Snowflake

You know what hurts? It’s when you and someone you’re very close with suddenly drift  apart. It’s when the warmth you once shared is gone and it’s only the cold that fills both of your lungs. There’s no winter here but you are a snowflake, seeping through the grasslands of our memories that were built under sunshine and blue skies.

I never thought I would be writing about letting go’s with you in mind. I never wanted you to go. I never expected things to change. I never imagined I would be feeling like I’m losing a friend again because some already left before. I guess, I can never get used to people leaving. I can never get used to people leaving because sometimes they just leave without the goodbyes. It is so abrupt, I didn’t even get to stare at their faces for long before they choose to go on with life without me in it.

I bank on too much hope, you see, and you were one of my favorite persons I prayed to have the longest friendship with. And it pains me that the adage of “times change, people change” is right in front of us and we’re already living in it. It’s too difficult to understand the why’s, the how’s, the what if’s — the complication of it all.

These days, I only pray that the Lord will take away the pain. I prayed almost everyday for you to come back, that everything will be the way it was before — but this, I’m surrendering too. I’m surrendering you. The way I surrendered those that left before you.

I’m afraid to be forgotten even when I courageously tell people that it’s okay to forget me if they go and find new souls that they will be keeping new moments together with. I’d still secretly wish they won’t forget. I’d still secretly wish they would choose to remember. With all the hope I had left, I’d still secretly wish for you.

But Life doesn’t work the way we wanted it. I could hope and wish the best that I can but I know I still need to let it go. I need to let you go. I kept saying it to myself over and over again just so I can absorb it.

Breathe.

“New leaves will come around in Spring.” –Andrea Gibson

Cosmic Encounter

The night before I wrote this – a couple of months back – was the night I wanted to remember because I have you in it. You finally showed up. Like Jupiter, you came.

Moment of Reset

I wish today never ends so I could continue escaping reality. Life is so nice without problems in it — when you just have all the time in the world to rest. Hahaha, not the most joyful tone in ushering a new year lol.

Yesterday everything started again, we had been given a moment of reset and it goes by the name Twenty-Eighteen. We are jumping onto this new chapter with the chance of writing down our own books again like our pasts had already been redeemed.

Twenty-Seventeen was supposed to be on the list of my Least Favorite Year. It was the year I hurt the most. It was the year I stayed still and got stuck. It was the year I wasted. It was the year I felt the most empty. It was the year I gave in to my emotions. It was the year I loved. It was the year I got broken. It was the year that has the most memorable memories of both good and bad. It was the year that made me the most happy. It was the year that made me the most sad. It was confusing. It was unpleasant as it was pleasant. It was crazy.

I always tell my friends of this quote I can never forget from the Disney movie “Ice Princess”:

We are only as strongest as our weakest point.

Twenty-Seventeen was probably my weakest because I focused on myself. It’s only through Christ where I can be strong, but instead of focusing on Him, I focused on myself. And that’s when I got crushed. And yet, through it all, I saw how He loved me still despite of my stubbornness and brokenness. It’s funny, I try to remember if I prayed to be broken last year and I think I did because here we are. Be careful what you pray for — they all say lol. But like everyone else, I am renewing my hope. There’s no one else that can complete me the way the Lord can.

New Years are for banners, for battle cries that would somehow depict what we hope the rest of our year would look like. And this time, I am going back to where it all started; it’s time to re-shift focus, Twenty-Eighteen will be: less of me, more of Christ. Time to collect all the broken pieces and march forward, here we go.