Hope Doesn’t Hurt

I was supposed to write something for Valentines day last Thursday and it was supposed to revolve around accepting the fact lie that there’s no one out there to wait for and I will never experience love from a significant someone. In short, I gave up on this whole love thing. And my friends would laugh at me because I haven’t even started anything yet and I’m already giving up. Hahaha, fine.

Being single since birth (this year I’m turning 27) doesn’t mean that I haven’t loved an actual person. I actually did. Twice. And both were never meant for me. I got hurt. The recent one was when I felt I hurt the most because I actually thought that there’s a mustard seed chance for us. But yup, we didn’t happen either. I always tell myself that maybe the feelings weren’t mutual, that maybe I got carried away with my emotions, that maybe it was just me all along. I battle with the thoughts of “if it’s not the same then why did he do ‘this’ and ‘that’.” And most of the time, it drives me crazy because my heart felt that there was something but then I wasn’t always sure. It wasn’t always clear.

One of my friends is going through a breakup and I sometimes volunteer that I know what they’re going through. I felt that the pain of an almost-love is tantamount to that of a broken love. I was so convinced by this and actually thought that maybe my pain was more painful because at the back of my head, I think, at least in a broken love, you felt that the love got reciprocated and you were sure of it at that time.

So I asked her opinion on it and she told me the story of Naruto and Sasuke (yes to animé reference lol). Both of their parents died — Naruto’s when he was born and Sasuke’s when he was a child. She told me, Sasuke experienced his parents, Naruto didn’t. Then she asked me what do I think is more painful. I understood this logic because my father died when I was 1 year old and I never got to experience him; I only have what if’s and what could have been’s. The death of my father was not deeply painful for me as opposed to those who actually got to be with their dads. Although pain was never meant to be discounted and we feel pain in different sorts of levels, experiencing something and losing it could hurt much more because it was with you for a while. You were able to keep it.

My friend told me, “Maybe, we’re looking at the wrong picture? Maybe, we should be thankful instead?” She was the one on a breakup and she’s telling me to be thankful hahaha while I was the one getting very depressed because I lost an almost-love aka I didn’t get what I wanted to the point that I’m giving up already. Hay, I thank God for friends.

I have constantly heard that we should never judge God based on our circumstances. I know that in my heart. But I wanted to guard myself from hope because I’m afraid that it won’t be answered and I will feel that I wasted time and waited for nothing. Then I realize, maybe I wasn’t really hoping. When someone comes and I like that person, I expect that he would be that person for me. I hide my expectations in the word hope. I told the Lord once that He makes it clear when the right person comes. But sometimes even when it’s not clear, I press on. And so, I get hurt. Hope, when it’s anchored in the promises of the Lord, will always be a good encouragement. Hope doesn’t hurt when our hope is in the Lord.

For a while of thinking that love is for other people and not for me was the most foolish thing to do. I’m glad I was foolish, though. It was the most human thing. I’m glad that the Lord brings people to talk me through it (even though they don’t have any idea). I’m glad that the promises of the Lord holds true because even when this whole world don’t think so, the Lord thought that we are meant to be loved — me and you. That our ability to love again and again comes from the understanding of the love we felt because of Christ.

Hustle while we wait. Love will come at the right time. Love will be easy. Love will be clear. Love will be sure.

Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to. And love leaves exactly when love must. When love arrives say, “Welcome, make yourself comfortable.” If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper, “Thank you for stopping by.” —Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye

Until then, hold on to that Hope, luv. You will be alright.

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Sentimental Creatures

They said you’ll come. They said you’ll be bold and beautiful. They said they’ll wait for you. I bet we are all looking up now — some standing in the same spot where you found us the last time or some may have chosen to get a little closer to you this time. And like sentimental creatures, we’ll try to capture even just a tiny dot of you, flooding walls of memories bragging how we belong to those who experienced a moment of marvel. For a romantic, you could easily be a metaphor. Thank you for dropping by 🌑🌕

Snowflake

You know what hurts? It’s when you and someone you’re very close with suddenly drift  apart. It’s when the warmth you once shared is gone and it’s only the cold that fills both of your lungs. There’s no winter here but you are a snowflake, seeping through the grasslands of our memories that were built under sunshine and blue skies.

I never thought I would be writing about letting go’s with you in mind. I never wanted you to go. I never expected things to change. I never imagined I would be feeling like I’m losing a friend again because some already left before. I guess, I can never get used to people leaving. I can never get used to people leaving because sometimes they just leave without the goodbyes. It is so abrupt, I didn’t even get to stare at their faces for long before they choose to go on with life without me in it.

I bank on too much hope, you see, and you were one of my favorite persons I prayed to have the longest friendship with. And it pains me that the adage of “times change, people change” is right in front of us and we’re already living in it. It’s too difficult to understand the why’s, the how’s, the what if’s — the complication of it all.

These days, I only pray that the Lord will take away the pain. I prayed almost everyday for you to come back, that everything will be the way it was before — but this, I’m surrendering too. I’m surrendering you. The way I surrendered those that left before you.

I’m afraid to be forgotten even when I courageously tell people that it’s okay to forget me if they go and find new souls that they will be keeping new moments together with. I’d still secretly wish they won’t forget. I’d still secretly wish they would choose to remember. With all the hope I had left, I’d still secretly wish for you.

But Life doesn’t work the way we wanted it. I could hope and wish the best that I can but I know I still need to let it go. I need to let you go. I kept saying it to myself over and over again just so I can absorb it.

Breathe.

“New leaves will come around in Spring.” –Andrea Gibson

Cosmic Encounter

The night before I wrote this – a couple of months back – was the night I wanted to remember because I have you in it. You finally showed up. Like Jupiter, you came.

Moment of Reset

I wish today never ends so I could continue escaping reality. Life is so nice without problems in it — when you just have all the time in the world to rest. Hahaha, not the most joyful tone in ushering a new year lol.

Yesterday everything started again, we had been given a moment of reset and it goes by the name Twenty-Eighteen. We are jumping onto this new chapter with the chance of writing down our own books again like our pasts had already been redeemed.

Twenty-Seventeen was supposed to be on the list of my Least Favorite Year. It was the year I hurt the most. It was the year I stayed still and got stuck. It was the year I wasted. It was the year I felt the most empty. It was the year I gave in to my emotions. It was the year I loved. It was the year I got broken. It was the year that has the most memorable memories of both good and bad. It was the year that made me the most happy. It was the year that made me the most sad. It was confusing. It was unpleasant as it was pleasant. It was crazy.

I always tell my friends of this quote I can never forget from the Disney movie “Ice Princess”:

We are only as strongest as our weakest point.

Twenty-Seventeen was probably my weakest because I focused on myself. It’s only through Christ where I can be strong, but instead of focusing on Him, I focused on myself. And that’s when I got crushed. And yet, through it all, I saw how He loved me still despite of my stubbornness and brokenness. It’s funny, I try to remember if I prayed to be broken last year and I think I did because here we are. Be careful what you pray for — they all say lol. But like everyone else, I am renewing my hope. There’s no one else that can complete me the way the Lord can.

New Years are for banners, for battle cries that would somehow depict what we hope the rest of our year would look like. And this time, I am going back to where it all started; it’s time to re-shift focus, Twenty-Eighteen will be: less of me, more of Christ. Time to collect all the broken pieces and march forward, here we go.

Today is Day One

I fell again.

I haven’t written in so long only because I was busy with all these feelings I’m nursing in the past few months. I always try to convince myself that I was busy “living” as I read a quote once, “live first, write second” and so I just lived. I didn’t get to write anymore because I was so, hmmm, lazy putting everything into words. Scared that I might write something that would make me vulnerable because I had always written what I felt. I was hiding my emotions for most parts — for almost the entire year. I just let 2017 flew by that fast as I watched life unfold before my eyes and I just stood by the sidelines being overwhelmed by the grandness of it all.

I didn’t want to move. I was stuck.

The problem with me is when I don’t want to do something, I won’t really do it until I can’t escape doing it anymore. You know how we can just get done with things because it’s already there that we only need to act on it so everything gets settled? I had a lot of moments like that – from prolonging my dreaded household chore [folding clothes] to accomplishing backlogs at work to fixing my life and finding my passion [and actually doing it] to stopping unnecessary feelings towards a certain person, etc. I had a lot of moments and those moments turned into wasted time because of my inability to process and take appropriate action.

I was big in emotions because I had always been an emotional being. I almost always do things based on what I feel instead of what I think is right. Because doing things based on our emotions is satisfying, comfortable, and easy. I got into the habit of succumbing to what’s already comfortable rather than continuing to challenge myself in doing harder things. I lacked the discipline. I lacked the heart to keep on thriving. I just stayed where I was. I kept waiting for something until I can’t handle waiting anymore. Until everything I set aside – everything I didn’t want to face – was all that’s left chasing after me. Of course, I could’ve skip all the drama if only I did what I had to do. But no, I created my own agony and here we are.

Fall down seven times and rise eight.

That’s my phone lock screen in more than a year. I haven’t changed it. I wanted to remind myself that it’s actually okay to fall down on your knees because there’s strength in failing. But what I forgot to remind myself was: I will keep on failing if I will just shrug everything off, if I won’t actually pinpoint the time when I actually took the fall. If I will refuse to learn from the failure, there’s 105% chance that I would be repeating the same mistakes over and over again. And there’ll be no amount of I-failed-again-but-I-can-always-start-again blog posts will be enough to help me recover.

I work as an Executive Assistant in an institution that facilitates learning the stock market and so I had a knowledge on what this whole “stock trading” thing is all about. In the stock market, traders [those who time the market] do their due diligence to help them plan out for their next “project trade” that would give them a quite amount of gains. However, if the project trade would be successful or not will depend on its execution. Execution is as critical as the Planning. I am one of those who planned so hard but never really executed the plan. I put everything in a list and never honoring that list. And in life, like in stock market, there would only be grand successes or failures if there are grand executions. 

A part of me believe, though, that my inaction in doing the right thing is also what I needed at the moment. At least now I can say that, I learned that nothing good will come out if you just prepare everything you wanted but never executed it. 

I fell hard this time.
I am stuck.
I do wanna move forward.
I will move forward.
I will begin. AGAIN. 
I will not be afraid to begin again.
I’m ready for my grand failure.
I’m ready for my grand success.
It’s time to execute.

Today is Day One.