I had been playing (read: beginner level / self-study) the ukulele for quite some time now. I used to try to play the guitar back when I was younger but I can’t move on from one song to another. Medj frustrating. With ukulele, it’s easier, since I only have four strings as compared to six; add the fact that it’s more compact. It has been my frustration for so long to learn a musical instrument that I can sing songs with or even compose songs with. That’s my goal and we are gonna brute force our way to that goal! Hahahahajk (or not).
I was playing uke the whole weekend to relieve myself from stress. And I just found out my favorite chord — the Am7:
My friend reacted to it and she said she feels like an Am7. First thing that popped to my mind was it because she feels empty? For some weird reason, I equated feeling empty to feeling worthless. But I don’t want to think of it that way so I told her that maybe because she feels she’s my favorite. Then, we move on to discussing all the mundane things that we usually do and later on just went back to my favorite ukulele chord where she confirmed that she feels empty just like it.
To be honest, all of us could feel like an Am7 sometimes. It could be due to a number of things that we base our self-worth on. We could stuff our souls with everything that we think could suffice that emptiness but that void will grow louder each day and no amount of fame, people, or material possession can fill that hole. Hence, we will go on with life — calm on the surface but hitting hard rocks at the bottom. We will try to keep fighting — bruises, scars, and all. We will try but we can only go so far. And this is where Depression makes its name known and embedded in our consciousness. We are in a constant battle.
These past few weeks, it has been evident that the Lord has been working on my weakest character and that is having an overly proud and self-absorbed heart — seeking only what’s comfortable for itself and being too demanding of how others should treat me. I tried to let everything on the surface seems perfectly fine but my heart was in a total wreckage. I was so miserable. Depressed. Empty. And deeply sad. Those were dark days that I brought upon myself because I refuse to be humble, I refuse to listen, I refuse to forgive.
When our horizontal relationship (our relationship with the people around us) and our vertical relationship (our relationship with God) are not aligned, darkness could engulf us. We are relational beings. Our relationship with God is of high importance and our relationship with people never comes too far. It’s only the Lord that could fill that hole in our hearts. And the Lord wanted us to love our neighbors so badly that we could not hate them and love Him at the same time. So when the two do not align, it would be harder for us to live in a peaceful manner. That’s what I tortured myself from.
I felt that I don’t deserve even an inch of grace from the Lord. Because out of all the people in the world, I am hurting my own family. Because of what? My pride. I haven’t been the best of myself lately because of all these. And although too undeserving, I thank the Lord that He gives infinite chances to learn. It was very hard to stay humble and admit the wrong that I’ve done and to forgive. But by God’s grace, if we take a little leap of faith, He will make a way.
I took the leap yesterday and apologized for the things I’ve done and the hurt I’ve caused — first to God, to myself, and to the people I love. And right there and then, I was forgiven. I was accepted again. Just imagine the shortcut I could’ve made to this agony if only I had just brought down my pride from the very beginning. Hay, my Lord, how can You keep a total wreck like me into Your ship? I want to take account of this narrative so it could help me remember abiding in the Lord so I could be a better human soul especially to my family. I got a number of things to improve on and with the Lord, I really hope my actions could transform and speak volumes.
I could still feel like an Am7 on some days just like how my friend felt. As a reminder, though, Am7 is a ukulele chord. A. UKULELE. CHORD. It is a chord that is used in playing music. It looks empty, yes, but that emptiness isn’t senseless. The emptiness was an instrument to a song. It takes part in creating a melody. It reminds me of how when we place our emptiness in the hands of our Maker, He could make something out of it. That He could use our emptiness as an instrument. That He could create beautiful things out of our broken strings.
Wreckage isn’t final. There’s a Savior who can make our cracks beautiful. Hang in there, luv, we will all grow stronger in the broken places if we let our good Lord mold our crooked hearts into something golden. Take your leap, He will catch you. You are a part of His delicate melody.