Today is Day One

I fell again.

I haven’t written in so long only because I was busy with all these feelings I’m nursing in the past few months. I always try to convince myself that I was busy “living” as I read a quote once, “live first, write second” and so I just lived. I didn’t get to write anymore because I was so, hmmm, lazy putting everything into words. Scared that I might write something that would make me vulnerable because I had always written what I felt. I was hiding my emotions for most parts — for almost the entire year. I just let 2017 flew by that fast as I watched life unfold before my eyes and I just stood by the sidelines being overwhelmed by the grandness of it all.

I didn’t want to move. I was stuck.

The problem with me is when I don’t want to do something, I won’t really do it until I can’t escape doing it anymore. You know how we can just get done with things because it’s already there that we only need to act on it so everything gets settled? I had a lot of moments like that – from prolonging my dreaded household chore [folding clothes] to accomplishing backlogs at work to fixing my life and finding my passion [and actually doing it] to stopping unnecessary feelings towards a certain person, etc. I had a lot of moments and those moments turned into wasted time because of my inability to process and take appropriate action.

I was big in emotions because I had always been an emotional being. I almost always do things based on what I feel instead of what I think is right. Because doing things based on our emotions is satisfying, comfortable, and easy. I got into the habit of succumbing to what’s already comfortable rather than continuing to challenge myself in doing harder things. I lacked the discipline. I lacked the heart to keep on thriving. I just stayed where I was. I kept waiting for something until I can’t handle waiting anymore. Until everything I set aside – everything I didn’t want to face – was all that’s left chasing after me. Of course, I could’ve skip all the drama if only I did what I had to do. But no, I created my own agony and here we are.

Fall down seven times and rise eight.

That’s my phone lock screen in more than a year. I haven’t changed it. I wanted to remind myself that it’s actually okay to fall down on your knees because there’s strength in failing. But what I forgot to remind myself was: I will keep on failing if I will just shrug everything off, if I won’t actually pinpoint the time when I actually took the fall. If I will refuse to learn from the failure, there’s 105% chance that I would be repeating the same mistakes over and over again. And there’ll be no amount of I-failed-again-but-I-can-always-start-again blog posts will be enough to help me recover.

I work as an Executive Assistant in an institution that facilitates learning the stock market and so I had a knowledge on what this whole “stock trading” thing is all about. In the stock market, traders [those who time the market] do their due diligence to help them plan out for their next “project trade” that would give them a quite amount of gains. However, if the project trade would be successful or not will depend on its execution. Execution is as critical as the Planning. I am one of those who planned so hard but never really executed the plan. I put everything in a list and never honoring that list. And in life, like in stock market, there would only be grand successes or failures if there are grand executions. 

A part of me believe, though, that my inaction in doing the right thing is also what I needed at the moment. At least now I can say that, I learned that nothing good will come out if you just prepare everything you wanted but never executed it. 

I fell hard this time.
I am stuck.
I do wanna move forward.
I will move forward.
I will begin. AGAIN. 
I will not be afraid to begin again.
I’m ready for my grand failure.
I’m ready for my grand success.
It’s time to execute.

Today is Day One.