I was supposed to write something for Valentines day last Thursday and it was supposed to revolve around accepting the
fact lie that there’s no one out there to wait for and I will never experience love from a significant someone. In short, I gave up on this whole love thing. And my friends would laugh at me because I haven’t even started anything yet and I’m already giving up. Hahaha, fine.
Being single since birth (this year I’m turning 27) doesn’t mean that I haven’t loved an actual person. I actually did. Twice. And both were never meant for me. I got hurt. The recent one was when I felt I hurt the most because I actually thought that there’s a mustard seed chance for us. But yup, we didn’t happen either. I always tell myself that maybe the feelings weren’t mutual, that maybe I got carried away with my emotions, that maybe it was just me all along. I battle with the thoughts of “if it’s not the same then why did he do ‘this’ and ‘that’.” And most of the time, it drives me crazy because my heart felt that there was something but then I wasn’t always sure. It wasn’t always clear.
One of my friends is going through a breakup and I sometimes volunteer that I know what they’re going through. I felt that the pain of an almost-love is tantamount to that of a broken love. I was so convinced by this and actually thought that maybe my pain was more painful because at the back of my head, I think, at least in a broken love, you felt that the love got reciprocated and you were sure of it at that time.
So I asked her opinion on it and she told me the story of Naruto and Sasuke (yes to animé reference lol). Both of their parents died — Naruto’s when he was born and Sasuke’s when he was a child. She told me, Sasuke experienced his parents, Naruto didn’t. Then she asked me what do I think is more painful. I understood this logic because my father died when I was 1 year old and I never got to experience him; I only have what if’s and what could have been’s. The death of my father was not deeply painful for me as opposed to those who actually got to be with their dads. Although pain was never meant to be discounted and we feel pain in different sorts of levels, experiencing something and losing it could hurt much more because it was with you for a while. You were able to keep it.
My friend told me, “Maybe, we’re looking at the wrong picture? Maybe, we should be thankful instead?” She was the one on a breakup and she’s telling me to be thankful hahaha while I was the one getting very depressed because I lost an almost-love aka I didn’t get what I wanted to the point that I’m giving up already. Hay, I thank God for friends.
I have constantly heard that we should never judge God based on our circumstances. I know that in my heart. But I wanted to guard myself from hope because I’m afraid that it won’t be answered and I will feel that I wasted time and waited for nothing. Then I realize, maybe I wasn’t really hoping. When someone comes and I like that person, I expect that he would be that person for me. I hide my expectations in the word hope. I told the Lord once that He makes it clear when the right person comes. But sometimes even when it’s not clear, I press on. And so, I get hurt. Hope, when it’s anchored in the promises of the Lord, will always be a good encouragement. Hope doesn’t hurt when our hope is in the Lord.
For a while of thinking that love is for other people and not for me was the most foolish thing to do. I’m glad I was foolish, though. It was the most human thing. I’m glad that the Lord brings people to talk me through it (even though they don’t have any idea). I’m glad that the promises of the Lord holds true because even when this whole world don’t think so, the Lord thought that we are meant to be loved — me and you. That our ability to love again and again comes from the understanding of the love we felt because of Christ.
Hustle while we wait. Love will come at the right time. Love will be easy. Love will be clear. Love will be sure.
Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to. And love leaves exactly when love must. When love arrives say, “Welcome, make yourself comfortable.” If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper, “Thank you for stopping by.” —Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye
Until then, hold on to that Hope, luv. You will be alright.