you’ll be brave enough in the waiting in the forgiving in the healing in the surrendering
because, my luv, your heart is not made to collect the dirt on the ground yours is a heart that’s made to bear fruit
growth stretches you discomfort teaches you a lesson and after all the leaves have fallen off the tree the naked branches will prove to you that there’s beauty in moments of emptiness
it’s not very appealing, is it— being empty?
it’s not the best feeling in the world but, should the highs always be the best of us? i think what we really celebrate is the behind-the-scenes before we get to that “high”
the behind-the-scenes won’t always be the most glorious because maybe, at some point, we are all just seating in our emptiness waiting for something to change
like bare trees waiting for their new season staying still with their long arm branches waiting for new leaves to clothe them with life
if you really look at these trees closely you’ll be amazed at the amount of leaves they had to let go of all without fear all with the hope that they will grow new leaves
you can be brave enough like the trees, luv you can sit still with your emptiness i know, it’s still tempting to hold on to fear but right now, as we are braving it up like the trees we will be brave enough to wait in Hope
I am feeling a little bit down these days. I am scared because I feel that I’m not good enough with what I do. I am sad because everything around me is changing.
I know what needs to be done. I mean, I know how I can reach to a resolution and correct my perspective. But just for today – actually I’m in a slump since yesterday – I wanna dump the depths of my emotions here. I want this other side of me to be seen, heard, recognized, and validated and this platform is where I can see, hear, recognize, and validate her. I better understand myself when I talk to her in third person — I googled what this term called, the word for this is illeism. It’s a helpful tool to self-introspection.
Anyway, moving on.
Do you know what happened in FRIENDS Season 10? I am a big fan of that show as it reflected this wonderful relationship on earth called Friendship. Season 10 is where the show ended — Phoebe found and married her own lobster, Mike; Rachel went back together with Ross; Monica and Chandler adopted twins; and Joey remained to be Joey. If you watched all ten seasons, you will know that FRIENDS is such a GREAT show. But these days I feel like I’m a Season-10-Joey. The one who just remained. Nothing much has changed with him but everything around him already settled its course.
Many FRIENDS fans wanted a continuation of the popular TV series but I am one of those who were already satisfied with how the show ended. I read an interview with the casts after I finished S10E18 and they also said that, the show ended where it supposed to end. That, in essence, they cannot continue it anymore because life had already progressed.
All those 10 Seasons of FRIENDS were like what we experienced when we are in our 20s where the most important thing was having our friends as family. Then later on, we get to move on to the next stage of life where we’ll now have our own family to take care of. Yes, the friendship can still remain but as life brings in these new changes, the dynamics we used to have won’t be the same anymore. I feel like I’m in this stage right now.
My emotional side (which is like 95% of what I am made of, lol) feels like I’m getting left behind. Not in terms of season. But just literally, I’m being left behind. I am okay with being single and I should be okay if my friends are finding their own lobster (like Phoebe) that they can end up being married to. I know deep in my heart that I am happy for them. But I guess, there’s a part of me that always calculate how the dynamics will now change. Everytime my friends get to have their own special someone, the change is automatic. The friendship still remains but it’s not the same anymore and I understand this. I try to. I am just a clingy sloth, though. I can’t really open these things up with them because that’s just how it goes. That’s how life is. I need to accept it and I’m truly happy for them. It’s just that the internal struggle with how everything changes is what I’m learning to navigate. As an emotional person, the adjustment period is the hardest. Especially if I’m super close with the person. The emotional side of me feels like my playmate is being taken away from me and I am gonna be left alone again.
I’m okay with being alone. But it’s nice to have someone close by.
I also wanted to write about my fears of not being good enough with what I do but I don’t have the energy to continue writing about it today anymore. This fear, though, has been bugging my heart, mind, and soul since last Friday. I cannot move because of it. I am paralyzed because I’m drowning with the thoughts of how I am not keeping up with the standard. That people who are trusting me will get disappointed with me. That I disappoint myself. My confidence is low. I am struggling to get out of the funk. Everything scares me. I am discouraged. I am scared. But I have to get moving even amidst of the fear. I just have to do things regardless of what other people will perceive me to be. I just have to do what I can.
I need to finish my chores after writing this before I start doing the loads of work that I had avoided since Friday. I am overwhelmed with what I had to do because I procrastinated for quite a while now. However, let today be the day that I will accomplish things even though it won’t be as perfect as it can be. Even though, I am not as perfect as I wished I could be.
Today we celebrate my weakness, my fears, my loneliness, my not-wanting-to-cry face (but maybe later, I will just bawl my eyes out), my dark thoughts, my grief, my tired and weary self.
In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our wrongdoings, according to the riches of His grace.
Ephesians 1:7 | VOTD
It’s funny that whenever I come to the Lord and ask for forgiveness or asking for His grace to accept me again, He gives me assurance that I am heard. I don’t think God is the God of coincidences, I think He knows us too well to communicate with us in a way we’ll understand.
Short background: I haven’t been in my best spiritual shape lately. This morning I came to the Lord to let Him know that I’m scared because I messed up and I don’t know what to do. All I know was that I don’t want my heart to be hardened and I want to come home. I pour to God what was going through my mind and my heart. Towards the end of my prayer, I told Him about His promise that whenever we decide to draw near to Him, He will draw closer. That we can come in full confidence because He will embrace us with all that we are – blemished, stained, guilty – because He is the God of grace and forgiveness. After I closed my prayer and read through the verse of the day for reflection, He gave me Ephesians 1:7.
This verse gives me hope. The hope that my God will accept me because He is gracious. The Lord will redeem me and forgive me. My Father will save me because I cannot save myself. I cannot do things on my own. No one else can save me from my sins other the Lord who can transform me inside out. I am redeemed by His blood. I am forgiven. Grace has been extended to me. I can come home. I can be free from fear of being rejected or shamed. In the presence of my God, I will be kept. I will be embraced with all of who I am.
I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence
—said Augustus Waters from The Fault in Our Stars
it took me thirty years to fully understand and live out what this meant
although sometimes i still get a little bit shy for liking the things (or people) that i like just because in my head it makes me part of “the mainstream” the ordinary
and i ask myself why is it that i’m so consumed with wanting to stand out wanting to be different when there’s nothing wrong with being common with being basic
i like the shallow stuff slapstick humor romcoms novels that are woven with beautiful words funny memes loveteams nam joo hyuk (this is the whole point of this poem btw) tiktok
whatever the majority likes i probably like it too because that’s who i am i like common things
it has taken me a while to fully embrace the commonness but i think i am now ready to enjoy the mundane and to appreciate the pleasures of simply living
Here’s what I said in the first episode show notes:
I feel easily pressured and overwhelmed these days. Normally, I would just talk to myself to cheer her on or write her a letter of encouragement. But then today I thought, hmmm, maybe we can record these pep talks so we can circle back to it after quite sometime. After we finally overcame. After we went through the hard parts and endured. Hence, a reflection podcast: a reminder to stay afloat.
pt 01: we all live a different kind of hard everyday | show notes
I believe one of my spiritual gifting is exhortation. It is a joy for me to encourage, not only other people, but also myself. I like affirming and reminding a different kind of perspective — the one where there is Hope. It became my habit to talk to myself whenever I feel down or overwhelmed or full of emotions I can’t contain by talking to myself loudly or writing myself letters of encouragement through poetry.
Today, I was in the middle of talking to myself when the thought of recording it came to mind. Initially, I was just going to record over my phone so that I could listen to it some other time. But then, I’m in front of my computer and I have a microphone that was just standing there waiting for it to be a vessel for some spontaneous activity on a random Thursday afternoon: I created a podcast.
It was for my own consumption, yes. Why am I sharing it with few friends or to this blog if it was only for myself? Well, that is because I’m proud of how it turned out. HAHAHA. I meant, it’s not the most amazing podcast that can change your life because I was full of insight or wit or wisdom. I’m proud of my crazy is what I really wanna say. I just jumped right through — not thinking of other things except I will just edit this recording, create some nice artwork for cover photo, and publish it at 8PM. And that is what I did.
Here we are. I have a podcast!
I really do wanted to have a podcast show but what I planned before was something more organized, content-wise; more planned, well-researched. Yet, life just has a way to surprise you. My audio editing was not spectacular HAHAHA! I repeated words in a way that it’s so obvious that I’m overwhelmed and I’m doing a lot of work and I want rest. LOL. But, what can I do? Speaking is different than writing. In writing, you can go back and edit when you think the words are not comprehensive or that you said the same word so many times in a row. In speaking, that’s just you. That’s who you are. Your thoughts, your heart, your mind — that comes out when you speak. I liked that I just went with it even when it’s not perfect.
I just finished Big Magic and Elizabeth Gilbert says: Done is always better than perfect. I’m striking out a dream on my wishlist today because it already came true: Start a podcast.
Do something crazy and surprise yourself. I’m rooting for you! As I’m rooting for me too 🙂
i had been anxious lately i don’t know if it’s still because of the pandemic or it’s just because i’m aging
i kept reminding myself to take things as they come to not look so far away and only deal with the now
but i kept getting overwhelmed i kept getting fearful i kept counting ways of why i should worry
my mind becomes restless
i bring all these things to the Lord and everyday He reminds me of why i shouldn’t fear to Whom i can lean on or where will i find true peace
the process isn’t instant i still struggle i still battle my anxious thoughts
but hey, we won’t stay here for long our Father promised to deliver us He has delivered us then He will deliver us now, the next day or in the uncertain future that we worry about
my word for the year is Dependence
to who God is to what my God can do to where my God will lead me to His grace to His unfailing covenant to His perfect love
and i look forward to the day when i can finally be at rest again even in the middle of a storm
for now maybe we embrace the chaos and letting God deal with this wild heart and unprepared mind
you’ve discovered ugly parts of you that resurfaced once again. you knew how messed up your mind can be and how you act based on what tugs your heart — even it’s crazy and irrational.
you push people, you build walls, you wanted to be the one who leave first not the one being left out. you shield yourself from the perceived pain that you think is coming.
you want to move on quickly, you want to be the one who seemed unfazed, you want to act nonchalantly when everything hurts inside your chest.
do not live in your head, luv. do not believe the lie that you are not seen or heard or cared for.
we will always doubt if we are loved. let me tell you that you are. you will not always feel it nor understand it, but you are loved.
the unbelief can paralyze you but that’s because you’re only looking at yourself. get out. get out of yourself. look outward. look for people to love, to care for, to serve. give yourself away. lose yourself by loving others more so you can find yourself again.
one of my favorite quote from the book Eat. Pray. Love. is —
when you set out in the world to help yourself, sometimes you end up helping Tutti.
the name Tutti means everybody
maybe we learn to love ourselves more when we love others more; when we look outwardly, not focusing on our own needs; when we seek to give the kind of love we wanted to receive. then, maybe just maybe it will go back full circle.
true love cannot be given by our own people all the time. their love is as crooked as ours. true love only has One source. that kind of love heals our pain, casts out our fear, embraces us tightly.
we’ve turned a new page today. go back and surrender all the ugly parts of you to the One who will rescue your soul, to the One who will welcome you Home.
Write By Syllable 