I’m excited. I’m scared. I’m ready.

Can’t believe it’s March already. February flew by soooo fast!

I promise myself to change when March comes (I promised the same last January and February, lol). But we have to try again when we fail, don’t we? To be honest, I’m still in a slump because I don’t want to confront the things that overwhelm me lately. Remember when I told you I procrastinate and I needed to change that attitude, well, we haven’t succeeded in that area yet.

One thing about me: I’m a scaredy cat. I get scared so easily. Essentially, the main point of that fear is being afraid to fail and the constant feeling of not being good enough. Don’t get me wrong, I still execute even when I’m scared because I know I will learn in the process — and also because if I won’t execute, I will just be freezing here not trying anything because almost everything in life scares me.

I think I have what people call “Imposter Syndrome.” Although, at times, I genuinely think that what I do in life is not that hard and when people figure out that I’m not good enough, they will get disappointed and abandon me. That, at any moment, I feel like I will let down the people who trust me the most. That thought scares me, too. I know this has something to do with my psychological well-being and maybe some traumas I carried with me since I was a kid.

The weird thing is, as much as I know that I lack the ability to do things (I always doubt if I’m smart enough and not being smart enough is my insecurity), I know that God supplies what I lack in all areas. In my head, I know that downgrading myself is false humility. God has given us unique strength that we can hone and use as God-given skills. Wherever we are or in whatever we do, we can do it best because God has given us that gift of wisdom, talent, and resources. We have to choose to grow and trust that God will help us in the process. In more ways than one, I always feel that I’m lacking. To counter that, I just put my faith that God will supply whatever it is that I am short in providing for myself or others. I know that I only have to try harder and let God work in me and through me.

This is why I needed to peptalk myself every single time to set my mind straight. Sometimes, my own stubborness gets the best of me. There are days (or weeks turn to months) that I just don’t want to try harder. Look at where we are now, we are now on the third month of the year and I felt like I just wasted the last two. Failure discourages me so much. Broken promises to God and myself can really bring me down. Then I spiral to not confronting the problem and choosing to escape, instead. But then, God still intervenes and wakes us up.

In the last two months of living in a slump, I told the Lord that I will just fix my life in March. I will find another side hustle by that month and figure out my life once again. In the last week of February, the Lord has allowed me and the team I’m working with to seal the deal with a client. The Lord is on time – I told Him March and then He really did give me March to bounce off what I wanted to do. I mean, He listens and encourages us to take the leap. And so, I had to start recalibrating my life to give respect to the Lord’s blessing. However, it really scares me because it’s something new.

There are a lot of things running through my mind that hinder me from starting my tasks. What if the client gets disappointed because what I’m gonna produce is not good enough for their taste? What if we fail and that failure was because of me? How can I give my best? What should I produce to make sure that we won’t fail?

I doubt my abilities once again. I’m like this for every employer/client. Lol. I know that I needed the grace of God to push through. I need to ask the Giver of the blessing how I should go about managing the blessing. I know for sure that I will grow with this new experience. It’s just so scary navigating new waters, but, as the Sunday school song goes: “with Christ in my vessel, I can smile at the storm.” I told you, I’m always scared even in the simplest of things and we only need to remind ourselves that God will push us to expand our borders and pull us through to work on the psychological limit we have of ourselves.

I’m really scared but the Lord will help us overcome. Let’s just continue to try harder and think of every opportunity in life as part of our growth process. I’m excited. I’m scared. I’m ready.

If you’re struggling with the same fear as I am, I pray that you talk it out with the Lord and allow Him to encourage you. You will be okay. We will be okay. I’m cheering for the both of us, fighting!

#DailyDevo: 2 Chronicles 32

“Be strong and courageous, do not fear or be dismayed because of the king of Assyria nor because of all the horde that is with him; for the one with us is greater than the one with him. With him is only an arm of flesh, but with us is the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles.” And the people relied on the words of Hezekiah king of Judah. | 2 Chronicles 32:7-8

Second Chronicles 32 talks about God’s deliverance to the people of Judah through King Hezekiah from King Sennacherib of Assyria.

The king of Assyria invaded and besieged Judah. Hezekiah was quick to think of ways to protect Judah and prepare for battle. While Sennacherib was arrogant and trusting greatly only on his own strength and power, Hezekiah’s confidence was not in the army of men but in the presence of God. All the threat and questioning of Sennacherib in God’s ability to deliver His people was put to an end when the Lord sent an angel who destroyed every mighty warrior, commander and officer in the camp of the king of Assyria making him return in shame to his own land. 2 Chronicles 32:21

Even as Hezekiah was faithful to the Lord, he was not spared from a terrifying enemy.

Our acts of faithfulness don’t insulate us from hard times. Our faithfulness doesn’t keep enemies away, but God’s faithfulness ensures every enemy’s defeat. For those who belong to Christ, every battle ends with God’s victory. In every trial, we can place our confidence in these words of Jesus: ‘Take heart; I have overcome the world.’ John 16:33

Marissa Henley, Confidence in the Deliverer

REFLECTION: In which area of your life do you need God to grow your confidence in Him? How does His past deliverance of His people strengthen your faith in His power at work in your life?

I related with how Hezekiah lived his life. There was a time that his heart turned proud that the wrath of God came upon Judah and Jerusalem. However, he decided to be humble before the Lord again and God forgave him and made him prosper. 

In those days Hezekiah became mortally ill; and he prayed to the Lord, and the Lord spoke to him and gave him a sign. But Hezekiah gave no return for the benefit he received, because his heart was proud; therefore wrath came on him and on Judah and Jerusalem. However, Hezekiah humbled the pride of his heart, both he and the inhabitants of Jerusalem, so that the wrath of the Lord did not come on them in the days of Hezekiah. | 2 Chronicles 32:24-26

As I said in my prayer journal earlier today, I always run away from God when I feel guilty or shameful about something that I did.  I feel like, most of those times, I am not worthy. That I need to pick myself up first before I can come to God. That, at least, I had already fixed myself before I go back. But then, time and time again I forget that: I cannot fix myself. That my being broken, desperate, and full of guilt and shame — it is only Christ who can take me in and embrace me with His grace and mercy. He died on the cross two thousand years ago for the sins of men because we cannot save ourselves from who we are. We are in need of a Savior. No matter what we do, it will not suffice. God is the only One who can make things right in our lives because He is our Father, our Creator, our Sovereign, and Loving God. I need to grow my confidence in my dependence on Christ. I need to learn to truly depend on Him, to embrace my faith in full. When we come in humility, the Lord will always direct our steps. He did it with Hezekiah and Jerusalem. He won’t be stopping today or tomorrow.

Devo Background via First5: Confidence in the Deliverer