Getting By

Richard Siken says

—

if the dead are watching

i want them to see us
writing
dancing
singing
painting

i want them to see that
we still reach out
to each other

—

that last line
hits home

being in the middle
of a pandemic
makes me sometimes fear
how it could make us
too comfortable in
not seeing each other
in person anymore
and that
we will be very used to
just getting by
on our own

Semblance

one meter apart —
that was what required
if we were to be
in groups of people

the distance is
a form of protection
to prevent any
transmission of
the virus

but humans can’t
simply follow
and wrap around
themselves
to react in a way
that wasn’t
second nature

hugs
weren’t
ideally allowed
dining out
wasn’t exactly
encouraged
spending time together
was considered
inessential

they wanted awareness
in our actions
because this is
the only way
to contain the virus
for now

creating the vaccine
could take time

yesterday was
a different story —
we broke the rules
and decided that

hugs are allowed
dining out was okay
spending time together
was an absolute need
and for a while
the world felt normal

I was at peace
because I got
some semblance of
normalcy

being with you
is a good break
from all the worries
of this pandemic

I slept early
before eleven
last night
my best sleep
in the last
three months

How can we last?

Filipinos are resilient. Give them a pandemic and a government who fall short of service and all aspects of control, yet, they will find a way to make ends meet. Being jobless won’t cripple them. They will rise to the occassion with their skill that is built in brave confidence. Some who had more would be a vessel of blessing to those who had less. They will gather in groups and make a campaign to encourage people to contribute so we can all fill-in where we are lacking. Some do it in a larger scale while some are quietly sending help to the nearest person they can — relative to relative; friend to friend; strangers after strangers. This is ingrained in us, we keep bayanihan alive this way.

Filipinos find humor amidst the dark cloud around them. Give them something to be angry about and the next thing you know, they made memes and TikTok covers about it. They translate emotions into products that could help them escape the gravity of things. Reality is a tiring world. Laughing about it makes it more bearable for a nation who’s always been punched to the core with nothing left to give. Or maybe, a nation that is too jaded to dare or even try to fight. Continually being pinned down to the idea that nothing’s ever gonna change. Hence, we resolved to laugh our way instead. But then, even when it seemed hopeless, Filipinos will muster up the courage to fight again. For their rights. For their fellow Filipino’s rights. For what needs to be done in their country.

Filipinos are opinionated. Give them an issue and they will never back down. They can be furious and they could think that their opinion is absolutely correct and they knew better than their opposing side. Too opinionated that we tend to stop listening. We tend to cancel each other instead of educating one another. We tend to disregard the agreeing to disagree principle. On the other side of the spectrum, Filipinos are indifferent. We don’t want to be part of a troublesome narrative anymore. That as long as it doesn’t affect us, we won’t care and be so involved in it. We just wanted to go by on our own.

Filipinos are forgetful and at times, very short-term. They can have too many hopes for a clean government but then forgetting they had a role to play. They forget it takes to two to tango. A clean government can only be elected when people choose them. Yet even if a previous politician just went out of jail and proceeds to run for a position, his dance moves can land him a spot to the Senate. We are who we elect. When we don’t learn, we are bound to continue the pain of repeating the cycle over and over. Change in the government is directly proportional to the change we choose as people. We can scrutinize but we also have to take the responsibility and the discipline.

My heart is aching and breaking. I can’t hold back my tears.

Me an hour ago before writing down my feelings

There are a lot of political issues that make us go all over the place these days. While the whole world is busy combating the pandemic, what do we do here in the Philippines? We are closing down the biggest TV network, we are coming after journalists, we can’t wait to pass a bill that are opposed by many, we tolerate double standards from government officials, we keep changing the policies of a community quarantine — all these except finding a way to really survive. All the other factors outside of our homes remains the same. How can we last?

I hope that our government would step up. I don’t know how and what could motivate them to do so but I don’t want them to fail in these critical times. IF ONLY THEY COULD DRIVE THEIR FOCUS TO OUR MAIN GOAL, we could have a chance. I hope Filipinos will learn. An uncapable government during a pandemic is a hard pill to swallow because we put them there but when this is over, I hope we won’t forget. PLEASE LET US NOT FORGET.

People like me have a privilege of finding a way to vent things out. Others, at this very same moment, can’t even think of that because every day they worry where to get their next meal to feed their families.

Disappointment is the word today. I hope everything’s better when we wake up tomorrow.

What Gets Me By

It’s almost the end of another week. We are in Day I-don’t-keep-track of Quarantine. Back in mid-March, Philippines started confirming cases of the Coronavirus [COVID-19] pandemic and that was the time when quarantine was put in place especially in Metro Manila and other nearby areas that were affected. The majority of businesses were forced to close down leading to a great number of employees being displaced while some were given the privilege to keep a work-from-home [WFH] set-up. Public transportation was temporarily put on hold. People were strictly advised to stay at home, practice social distancing, and keep Quarantine Passes (one person per household) to be able to go out and buy essentials.

Being in a third-world country in a pandemic is very challenging. If safeguards were not executed earlier on, our scarce resources won’t be able to pull through. Apart from waiting on the national government for general directions, people are clinging on the most to their respective Local Government Units [LGUs] to get support. It is taking us a while as a nation to slowly transition to what seems to be the new kind of normal. Even until now, it seems that we haven’t fully grasped this strange concept way of living. And by tomorrow, we will know if quarantine will still be in effect and extended for another month.

With everything that has been happening, my mental fortitude this week has not been successful in keeping it all together. My emotions are over-the-top. I don’t know if my 3-week period has caused me to be extra sensitive, anxious, sad, weary, and all the mixed emotions in between. I haven’t accomplished anything since the start of the week. I just kept watching YouTube or Netflix and started playing Tofu Girl to escape reality.

This morning, I finally cried my heart out upon realizing how the normal we once knew will never come back the way it was anytime soon. In our weekly meeting, my boss was discussing future possibilities of transferring our workplace from one city to another and adapting a new work set-up that involves WFH on weekdays. He believed that until the cure for the virus is found, we needed to get used to the new normal which might last a year or two [I’m hoping not more 😦 ]. My heart couldn’t take it. Whatever my boss was saying is highly possible and we needed the adjustments. I know we are privileged to still have a job and to think of ways to adapt but my heart was just grieving. I feel like something I deeply value is being taken away from me. The change is uncomfortable. And to be honest, it kinda hurt.

You know, I am grateful that I have a home and my family is with me; that we have enough and we can share what we have; that we can preserve our jobs even in a WFH setting; and, that we are all physically well and strong. There are a lot of things to be thankful for and if I recount them all, I will never run out of gratitude. I planned on sharing what hurts me from the situation we are in now and the future but upon writing this paragraph, my disposition shifted from hurting to grateful. Lols.

Going back to the hurt…

I treasure relationships. I appreciate gatherings. I like being surrounded by people — commuting, being in the office, going to church, hugging friends, etc. Quarantine nurtures my introverted personality but the whole social distancing is draining my extroverted energy. I am a people person and yet what this pandemic does is limiting human interaction. Personally, I am not good with mediated formats, I would always prefer face-to-face than technology. That may be the reason why I am not into phone calls or video calls that much. I cannot feel the energy when I only see people on screen. It’s not the same. The thought of being content to talking to people via technology [for now] is what bothers me the most. That would probably be the biggest adjustment that I might struggle with and never get used to. Having limited human interaction for a year or two is like suffering would be strenuous to me. Just thinking about it, stresses me out already.

We know the future is uncertain, but this year, it escalated into a whole new level of unpredictability. We really don’t know what’s gonna happen next. Everything is legit beyond our control. I think it’s just but natural to have all these blown-out-of-proportion kinds of emotion from time to time because we are humans. It’s in our DNA to feel uneasy in the uncontrollable. What gets me by is going back to where my faith is; that though I cannot ever completely control or comprehend what’s happening in my life or around me — my God is a God of peace and order. Above everything else, He is good. Through Him, I can have hope. I can find rest in Christ alone.

Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

Isaiah 40:31 [NASB]

There’ll be sad day/s and week/s but let’s always bounce back to our source of light and strength. We will overcome.